Little Pinwheel

proud of her

2012-02-09T21:08:00.003+11:00

I always thought she was clever with her creativeness, and I think my girl rocks it when it comes to painting and drawing, and anything crafty. She may not be up there with the other children in reading, but she is doing awesome with her art.

I know that being awesome at art won't make her into the doctor she would like to be, but it sure does give her some confidence to know that she is great at something she loves.

Plus I get to do the proud mum moment.

It was nice to pick Keely up today and show her the image on my phone of her painting. It was my proud mum moment to her. The painting hangs in her classroom, and I spotted it last night along side her classmate's paintings. Sitting in her chair and listening to her teacher about the year ahead is exciting. Last year I was not involved, and this year I am making the time to stand right beside Keely with her schooling.

I am proud of Keely in more ways than her artistic ability. She has held me together more than she will ever know. To move her out of her family home last year, and for her to accept a new woman in her life, and for her to keep being that little person has been beautiful. My girl has something; she has a way about her.

I am proud of you little girl. x

judging your book cover

2012-02-07T20:25:00.004+11:00

Keely chose my running outfit. She often tells me to wear a bra with no singlet when I go for a run. She is the one that tells me that my belly is beautiful. I am 34, I have had two children, and this is my beautiful belly.

Did you see it. Did you see the extra skin on my belly. Were you even looking for it?

I have no issue with my stretch marks. I have learnt to live with them. They are the love lines my little people left behind from my pregnancies. I however have an issue with the extra skin on my stomach. I almost didn't buy these images due to that fact.

My little girl asked me to buy these images. Do you know what Keely saw?

Keely saw images of her mummy running in the purple running bra she asked me to wear.

I am a little disappointed in myself. I truly thought I was over my body image issues. Here I am the mum that never wants her daughter to have any issues with her body, and I still had a moment over mine today.When I run and look down, I don't see the skin. When my girl looks at the photos, she does not see the skin.

I learn something new with parenting everyday, and today my girl taught me one valuable lesson.

When you look beyond your own cover, you see a whole lot more; I now see my running technique, not my skin.

race day

2012-02-05T21:48:00.004+11:00

There is nothing prouder than the moment you reach the end of the hill climbs, and at the end of the road in front of you is your two beautiful children.

I had a great result from the run on the weekend that leads me into the races I have been training for. I am no short distance runner, but it was nice to see that I am quite capable of running a good time.

There were 4413 runners that completed the race. There were 2544 women competitors, and 933 women in the 30-39 year old age group. I came 337 overall, 34th woman to cross the line, and 10th in my age group. An overall result of top 10% in all areas.

I achieved the time that was set for me, and overall I am one step closer to achieving my first full marathon.

To be proud of your own achievement is a big thing, and to share that with my best friend, Karen who flew from the UK for me is huge, and a moment I will never forget. To have my little people sit and wait for me to run past them, with their sign, will also be something I will never forget. To see their smiles, and their wave at me is what pushed me down that hill. And to then have my coach metres from the finishing line telling me to bring it home, is what got me over the line for the 28 minutes set.

Running is something you either love or hate. Even those of us that love it, can hate it too. But when you run over that line, you realise just how much you love it, when only minutes ago you were questioning your ability to even run.

I could run forever.

believing in yourself

2012-02-02T09:34:00.002+11:00

They say, 'slow and steady wins the race.'

With everyday life I am at it like a bull at a gate. I like to get things done. I am not one to sit around and do nothing. Maybe I have ants in my pants. Maybe I am just one determined chick. It is in me. Mum taught me to be that woman with balls. She brought me up believing that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. That I can do the things that men can do. She did it. Mum lived a life on her own. Although she was not completely on her own, she had her children, and she had her beautiful friends, and her successful business.

I think a lot. It might be perceived as a bad attribute, or some might see it as a good attribute. I try and think of the consequences of my actions, and sometimes I don't think, and over analyse it after the fact.

With running you need to have a strong head. You need to be together up there, and most importantly you need to believe in yourself. This is where my mind can go weak. This is where it ticks over and it can be all negative.

This morning I could not run.* I didn't even lace up my shoes. I was over thinking. Something that had happened was stopping me from believing in myself, and the things I want.

I want to go slow.

I think there is nothing wrong with going slow; I will win the race. Isn't that how it works? Life is busy. Life is fast paced, and sometimes you need to stop being that bull at the gate, and pull it back. You need to enjoy the moments around you, and go slow. Imagine if you were always that bull, you would miss the beauty in life, and the things around you.

On saturday I am racing. It is a race that is the step towards the big picture. It is a mind test for me. It is my moment to be slow and steady. To have that strong head, and to believe in myself. The race is short. It is fast paced. But I am not going to be that bull. I am going to be the smart one. I am going to open the gate before the race, and I am going to go steady.

If I believe I can do it, and I believe in myself; I can do anything.

I believe I can run.

(I also believe my mum was one smart woman. Who would have thought that after 5 years of her not being here, I still hear her words, and I still learn from her. Thank you mum).

*I am going to lace up my shoes, and go for my training run.

a simple weekend

2012-01-30T22:41:00.006+11:00

We had a beautiful weekend full of laughter, some tears, a few tantrums, and a whole lot of love and memories.

I love the simple things. I love how a scooter ride, a run in the park, a play on the beach, and even curling up on the couch for some movie time can fill up a weekend with little ones. I love how the simple joy of exploring, and making new friends, and just being with each other as a family is enough for them; It is enough to show them how much you love them, and how much you care.

My little girl started year one today. That is huge! We celebrated with a great afternoon splashing in our local beach pool.

A simple thing.

belly laughs

2012-01-27T20:14:00.001+11:00

It is a laugh that does not come out all the time, but when it does, you cannot help but join in too.

There is something contagious about that little person full of laughter straight from their little bellies. Whoever thought so much noise could come out of that little mouth.

Do you remember the typewriter? Pin those little arms down and start typing on that little chest. You are sure to get the belly laughs, and you might be lucky enough to get that little voice giggling for more!

We hope you have a weekend full of laughter, giggles, and smiles. x

today we....

2012-01-25T17:12:00.004+11:00

jumped in puddles, raced on our skateboards around the warehouse, and played hide n seek, we drove over the bridge, saw friends, had a lunch date, shopped together, and ate ice cream.

Today Keely and I had our last day together, just the two of us, before school goes back. For me this has been the best time. It has been a juggling act at times, although I would not have had it any other way. I think it is nice Keely sees what I do for a full day with Little and Lady Pinwheel. She has been helpful, and at times in the way. I am going to miss my little sidekick; the mini pinwheel worker. {If you bought from the little or the lady in the last 6 weeks, it is highly likely this mini pinwheel girl helped pack your order with a whole lot of love}.

We bonded.

I love being her mum, and most of all I have loved being her friend these 6 weeks.

Year one here she comes!

meet karen!

2012-01-24T20:45:00.006+11:00

Karen crashed my weekend in style. A beautiful friend that pulled off the biggest surprise.

We dated the whole weekend.

Tea for her, and coffee for me.

Lots of walking, talking and giggling like two little school girls.

We ferried it over to the city.

Caught up with old friends.

We talked more. We talked a lot.... because that is what girls do!

Now we skype again..... BUT.... in less than 2 weeks Karen comes back to crash it with me in rocker style. We are going to a rock concert. Full mosh pit. The rock on fingers will be out.

Reliving your youth with a bestfriend is something I can cross off my bucket list. I never thought that meant I would pull out the tight black jeans for a crowd surf!

Do you have a bucket list?*

*I am going to write a list, and stop storing mine in my head.

my (beautiful) surprise

2012-01-21T16:10:00.001+11:00

Have you ever been surprised? You know when someone jumps out and makes your heart sink into your chest. I had that on thursday. Although my heart went into the pit of my stomach and bounced straight back up again with sheer delight..... here is the story of the most beautiful moment anyone has ever given me.

This week was my "full on" training week. My coach had booked me in a couple of months ago to have two days where I would not have any children. I had already finished three days in a row of hard training with hills, and intervals, and some solid running. I was set to meet my coach on thursday for a session that would supposedly make me cry. Thinking I was not able to parent I was prepped up with a whole lot of food for myself, and also for my little people for dinner. (I was that super organised mum that I rarely am, and I felt like slapping myself a big high five).

I met coach Meg out the front, and we ran like we always have together, chatting away, and getting that running head on. We were 1.7kms into our run when Meg stopped for some water, told me to have a stretch, as we were going to be doing some 1k sprints.

We stretched.

I was told to turn around, and smile for the camera.

There she was, my best friend, and she was not in the computer. She was here. Karen was standing right in front of me. All the way from the UK, like she had just jumped out of the computer.

I turned away. Sobbed like a baby. The most beautiful moment anyone has ever given to me. A plan that was booked in two months ago with my coach. A moment I will never forget.

My heart is still jumping around inside my chest. I keep looking at Karen, and keep saying, "hi!" Like the whole thing is a dream.

SURPRISE!

BFF

2012-01-17T20:03:00.001+11:00

I still remember the girl in my street that I grew up with, Sarah. We were best friends. Playing in the street until we were called in for dinner by our mothers and playing early in the morning before school, and every moment we had free on the weekends. We roller-skated, rode our bikes, walked, and played with her guinea pigs. We played marbles in the dirt, swam in my pool, and ate blood plums off the tree out the back of my house. We bounced on my trampoline until dark, and we scrapped the rind off the lemons on the brick wall, and ate them like they were oranges.

Keely has her best friend, Nya.

They share chocolate waffles.

Hold hands.

Eat mallows together.

Swap clothes. (this one is awesome, as I found them in the change room changing outfits)!

They jump on Nya's trampoline together, they disappear into each others bedrooms for hours playing barbie dolls, and they play dress ups.

A beautiful 6th birthday spent with her best friend, and a day full of YES!

Best friends forever.

happy number six birthday

2012-01-15T21:00:00.006+11:00

I am always here to catch you. I am always here to hold your hand. Rock it little girl....

Have a beautiful number six Keely....I cannot wait to spend the whole day with you tomorrow..... it is your YES day!

Happy birthday x

99 bottles of keely on the wall

2012-01-12T18:29:00.001+11:00

Am I the only parent that wants to bottle up my little people so they stay little? There are moments that I would love to bottle up and keep forever. They can be as simple as a look they give you, or a more complex conversation you share with them, or even something you witness from afar.

The summer school holidays are the holidays as a little person I remember the most. They are the times I would spend down the south coast with my mum, or at home together. {Simple memories remembered from the things I am sharing with my own daughter}.

The smell of a barbeque, going to the movies, swimming at the beach, riding her bike, playing on our new skateboards together, and creating a home movie session; these all bring back memories of my holidays with my mum.

Moments I am sure my mum bottled up, I now bottle up, and without even realising it, I have opened my mum's bottles myself, and shared them with my daughter.

To walk holding my girl's hand, to have her share more of my business with me, and for her to share more of herself with me has been a bottling moment. One day I hope Keely opens my bottles with her children.

Are you opening bottles, and putting bottles on your shelf. Are you loving the holidays?

{There is a part of me that is finding the holidays hard with my own business. I cannot work the same way, but I am taking the positive, which completely out weighs the negative, and creating memories for my daughter and myself..... Keely rocks}!

our moon

2012-01-09T20:27:00.003+11:00

We look at the same moon. Every night we look at the same moon. That is the piece of information I give both my little people when they are on holidays without me.

taj: we are the same moon mum

me: yes taj we look at the same moon

taj: what about the other moon. where is that moon looking

me: sweetheart, there is only one moon

taj: oh mumma, that is beautiful we have our own moon

{I love our little bedtime conversations}

Nice to have them home. I missed their little giggles, those little arms wrapped around me as far as they can stretch, and their little sloppy kisses.

I love my little people to the moon and back.

I think I should date.

2012-01-07T15:00:00.003+11:00

I am a thinker. Sometimes not the best thinker. You know, not that smart. Well, I am smart, but think too much for it to even be any kind of smart. I am an analyser. I pull things apart until they are completely naked, and then I attempt to put them back together. Sometimes they don't look the way they should, and other times they are perfect. My little piece of art in thoughts.

I sometimes think I suck. I sometimes think I rock. I sometimes think I should stop thinking. I sometimes think I should keep thinking as it is what I do. I protect myself, and at the same time, it can hurt me, and hurt others around me.

I wish I could jump in the deep end. No floaties. Just jump. No thoughts. Just jump......

Kick those legs. Flap those arms. And swim.

Or jump in the deep end. No floaties. Just jump. Have thoughts. Just jump......

Sink. And be rescued.

Sometimes I do jump and sink, and no one is there to rescue me. And I have no one to blame but myself. My own thoughts. My own over analysing of a situation. And I drown on my own.

Sometimes in life you have to stop thinking. Go with the flow. Follow that heart, or your head. Jump, with no thoughts, and flap around like a fish.

Time for me to jump in the deep end. Time for me to start dating.

{me thinking: 'I am scared shitless!'}

What do you think. Or are you not a thinker?

bicycle bicycle bicycle

2012-01-06T11:59:00.002+11:00

I want to ride my bicycle.

Keely can rock a bike with no training wheels. A balance bike rider has paid off. No training wheels required.

This mum is proud, and so is the little guy sitting on his deck watching.

I cannot wait to go riding with her next week. Looks like mum needs a bike, or I might just roll alongside her on my skateboard.

{thank you for your comments on my last blog post, and the emails. I am completely blown away by the kindness, and the information. I have hope that my brother will pull through this, and my hand is there waiting when he needs me. There are things in your life that you want to keep close to you, and this for me was one of them. The fact my family has fallen apart hurts, and it is something I never wanted to share, or admit. I am grateful for the amazing friends in my life for opening up their families to me}.

walking away

2012-01-04T19:28:00.003+11:00

Most of us like to have a drop of an alcoholic drink at times, and unfortunately there are some that like to have a whole lot more than they should. My brother is one of them.

My brother is an alcoholic.

He is having a really hard time. Attempted suicide twice in the past 4 months. A cry for help. But won't accept the right help, or admit there is an issue. I have done some reading over the years to see what I can do. And there is nothing more I can do.

My brother was sent to rehab, and detox after being in trouble with the law. It was either that or jail. He mixed with the wrong crowd in there, and the first day of weekend free time, he went to the pub with a few of the other recovering alcoholics. He was kicked out on the street.

I am proud of my brother for building a life for himself after being kicked out, but the drink turned into the same story as we have all read as a family over the years. My mum was his lifeline. He worked for her, and was drinking, but never enough for him to hurt himself or others. When mum passed away, a part of my brother died too.

I love my brother. I care about him. And I am lost in what to do next. He has no home. He has no rental reference. He is violent when he drinks. I cannot put myself, and more importantly my children at risk.

How do you help someone that does not want to be helped. How do you make them go and get the help they need. How do you show someone that you love them without holding their hand all the time?

I told him I love him. I told him I am here for him. But I don't know if that is enough.

How do you help an alcoholic that does not want to be helped. How do you help a family of 3 that has completely fallen apart from the loss of their mum. How do I keep the promise I made to my mum to hold us together when they don't want to be held together?

A new year and so many questions, and questions that may have no answer. Maybe the answer has already been said. Maybe I have done all I can. I just don't want disappointment from the promise I made to my mum.

We all walk in a different direction.

*I do apologise if this post is a bit full on. It is full on. It is scary. But posting this might help someone else in some way, or it might help me find the answer. That is the beautiful thing about writing. You get it out. You see what you feel in words, and sometimes the words are not as messy as you believed they were in your head.

achieving for you

2012-01-03T17:40:00.002+11:00

Happy new year!

The year of opportunities is over, and a new year with new dreams is here. Last year my beautiful friend, Karen, was here from the UK to spend time with me. We talked about New Year resolutions, made our own resolution with one word; opportunity.

the family christmas day portrait*

When I look back at the year I cannot believe some of the things I did. It is more the reflecting on the images that document the weeks that I walked with my little people. Together we created a whole new life. At times I did not think I could do it. But when I look around at our new home, I realise we did it. We sold the old, and started with the new. {It is so much more than setting up a new home, and so much more than selling the old. We have done huge together}.

One of the opportunities throughout the year was opening my whole business to create more for the Pinwheel future. I also opened myself up for more with my running. For the one thing I loved to do, just because I enjoyed it, has turned into more than just the love, it has become a passion, and part of my life. It is something I am hungry for and 2012 will prove to me how far I can take this.

Karen and I have come up with our one word for 2012. We wanted it to be something for both of us again, and Karen came up with the perfect word; the perfect New Year resolution.

2012 is the year of achievements.

This year will see Little Pinwheel, and Lady Pinwheel grow. It will show me how much I can personally achieve with my own determination to succeed. My running is going to step it up, and I have already started by creating more opportunities to lead into the potential achievements. I have races booked in, and by July I will be a marathon runner. From here, I am dreaming big. If I can achieve what my own body and mind can push me to accomplish, then the second half of the year will be exceptional.

The year of opportunities has opened my head, and my heart to show me that this year can be a year of achievements; if I believe in myself. And this belief extends a whole lot further than pounding that pavement.

Do you have a new year resolution? I love hearing what others would like to achieve or accomplish throughout the year. It is like we are able to clear the crap from the previous year, and start fresh.

One of Karen's achievements is to rock that guitar of hers. I cannot wait to hear her play, and I know she will achieve that one special song, and a whole lot more.

*we had a beautiful christmas, and hope you did too! I am loving these summer holidays, and right now missing my little people who have gone to visit their cousins. It is too quiet!

merry christmas!

2011-12-22T18:18:00.003+11:00

The christmas rush is over for the little and the lady pinwheel. It is time for this little family to get into the christmas spirit.

Our tree is decorated, pressies are ready, and The Night Before Christmas book is perched on top ready to be opened. {I love this book and cannot wait to read the magic to my little people}. We have carrots for the reindeers, and there is a beer in the fridge for Santa. The spirit of christmas is here.

We hope you have a beautiful christmas with your families, and an awesome celebration to bring in the new year.

merry christmas!

hayley, keely and taj xxx

a message from santa

2011-12-21T22:26:00.007+11:00

The letters have been written. The letters have been posted. Even full toy catalogues were posted, with circles around each toy my little people loved..... Santa has a whole list.

me: "what would you both really like from santa?"

taj: "oh mummy I would love an airplane!"

me: "one as big as the planes in the sky. a real one?"

taj: "yes mumma! an airplane."

keely: "you cannot have one that big taj! how will santa get it in the house?"

taj: "through the chimney keely. he comes through the chimney!"

We do not have a chimney. But neither Keely or I could argue with him. It was a little cute.

keely: "mum I would like a pink skateboard."

me: "oh rock on!"

Keely is such a princess, and wishing for a skateboard, pink or not pink surprises me. She has asked for the skateboard for the past couple of months.

I have not been able to take my little people to see santa, and I feel quite sad about this. Today santa sent them both a message from the north pole. You too can have santa talk to your little people. {santa is here}. Both Keely, and Taj were delighted to see santa.

Santa said Taj will have his airplane. I sure hope that is a big chimney we have above our home.

4 sleeps to go!

all I want for christmas is my......

2011-12-19T21:15:00.005+11:00

Taj has the wobbles. The wobbles you are meant to have when you are around six years old is happening at the ripe old age of three.

I am learning that with boys you need to go with the flow more than you do with girls. There are going to be incidences, and they will do things that will end in tears, and sometimes they will encounter more than just the tears. Taj encountered a bloody gum, which has now resulted into the wobbly tooth.

I sure hope Santa delivers those two front teeth, as this little guy might loose one, and the other we can keep as a spare for the next time Taj decides to face plant into a chair.

Counting down the sleeps until the big red man arrives. My little people are excited, and I am too!

keely's craft iphone

2011-12-14T13:46:00.003+11:00

Little people want their own phones at such a young age. They are the thing to have. Keely asked me for one a few weeks ago, and I asked her, who would she ring. She looked at me, and shrugged her shoulders, and replied, "oh yeah!"

This morning Keely asked for paper, scissors and my pencils. Keely decided it was time for her new phone.

The phonebook.

The games page.

The game. It is a really hard game.

The photo album.

The back cover.

Talking on the phone.

I think my girl has something. She has the creative head, and I love it. I cannot believe how awesome her phone is, and how awesome she is.

A great holiday activity!

wee painting

2011-12-11T19:13:00.002+11:00

Did you know that boys draw when they wee? Taj does. He paints a whole picture when he does a bush wee. It cracks me up.

The bush wee is a whole lot easier with a little guy, than a girl. When Keely was little I had to hold her up in the squat position and hope for the best. It was important to know what the wind was doing. Now I just have to stand behind Taj and watch Picasso at work.

Taj is a sit down on the toilet wee boy. Although, I think with a few escaping wee's out of the toilet, it is time for this little guy to stand up with the ping pong ball trick.

Do you have anymore wee tips? What age did you teach your little guy to stand up, and wee?

graduating kindy

2011-12-08T20:09:00.002+11:00

Keely graduated today. Her first year of big school is almost over. One week to go!

A proud mum moment.

And a Bubble O Bill moment for Keely.

Congratulations Keely on your improved reading and writing. I cannot wait to rock it with you during the school holidays. x

building a body image

2011-12-07T21:53:00.006+11:00

The body is a part of who we are. Mostly we pick it apart, until there is not much of us left. I know in the past I could have picked myself apart, until there was nothing left. Not a great roll model for when I had children.

How one conversation, and a moment for myself can change this.

This afternoon I was getting ready for hill training, and Keely watched me get dressed. She walked in on me with just a crop top on, and my 2XU short tights on. I looked in the mirror and for the first time in my life, I liked what I was looking at. (Hey there are bits I don't like, but overall I am really quite happy with my body image). I said out loud, "I like my body." Keely looked at me in the mirror and touched my belly, and said, "I love your belly mum!"

All those stretch marks, and excess skin cannot be seen. They are still there, and have not disappeared, but the acceptance of my own body image has removed the criticism I had once felt. I am not saying I won't ever look in the mirror and not have a moment, as I believe this is a female thing. But for now, and in front of my daughter, I liked what I was looking at. And it was me.

Keely did not see the bits I would have pulled apart. And that is the way I want her to look at herself, the way I see her; perfect.

*Keely recently asked me if she did not eat her dinner, would that make her skinny. I almost fell off my chair. I sucked it up really fast, and said a straight up, "NO!" I explained that you need to eat good food to grow. We eat together as a family every night. She is not the best eater. Fussy. But together we eat, so she can see what I eat, and what her brother eats. I never want my daughter to have an eating disorder, or an issue with her body image.

oh christmas tree

2011-12-06T20:44:00.003+11:00

Today was nail it on the head day. Have a list, and work my way through it. I worked myself through the whole list, and now I can just be for the rest of the night.

I captured my beautiful girl in her new coco and ginger dress, which she will wear on christmas day, and her new orange saltwater sandals.

It is all about the christmas tree.

Now to pack the school lunch, and to put away the christmas tree pile of washing. I can just be for the night; 'a woman's work is never done.' {thanks for that saying that to me mum. I hear you}.

fighting cats & dogs

2011-12-05T14:42:00.002+11:00

The battle of the siblings has begun and it is an all in fist fight. Pushing, punching, a few kicks and a whole lot of whinnying. And one cranky mumma.

Keely and Taj love each other. There is no denying that. But for the past few weeks it has been on. The clashing, the button pushing, and the developmental age difference has become a testing time for all three of us. The neighbours must love us. I am sure they will not be knocking on our door to borrow milk or sugar.

I have tried separating them, I have yelled, I have cried, and I have even tried hiding myself, only to be found.

On friday I decided to try a new approach. One I am sure will create a lot of laughter, and maybe a little bit of criticism. We have welcomed Humphrey, and Honey into our little family. They are brother and sister, and they love each other very much.

I am going to use their new brother and sister bunnies as their role models. I have no idea if this is going to work, but I am going to try to use Humphrey and Honey to teach them how to be kinder to each other, and also for them to understand that it is ok for them to be angry at each other, and upset with each other. And at the same time teach them that the kicking, the screaming, and the punching is not on. If it does not work I will just have to roll with the fact that no one will ever borrow milk or sugar from us. And my little people have a cute soft bunny each.

What do you do with fighting siblings? Have you done anything that has helped, or have you tried things to only be punched in the face yourself?

*Keely asked for the bunnies to stay with me on the weekend. They sat on my reading chair. Keely told me that she always wanted them to be with their mum..... I have one beautiful girl.

MUM!....... yes

2011-11-30T19:55:00.003+11:00

Today was yes day for my little guy. The answer to everything he asked me for was a big fat YES. I love this game. A game passed on to me from a friend. This day is easy. The easiest parenting day. It may not show them right from wrong, but it is only for one day, and I believe you cannot have more than one of these days a month. I think they would catch on, and you would be fooled into buying some big gifts, and allowing them to do things they truly should not be doing.

My little guy told me that I was the best mummy in the world last night, and that he loves me to the moon and back. That was enough for me to give him a yes day.

taj: "mumma, can I have a mallow?"

me: "yes Taj."

taj: "mumma, can I go to the park?"

me: "yes, Taj."

taj: "mumma, can I have a waffle?"

me: "yes, Taj."

taj: "mumma, can I buy this car?"

me: "yes Taj."

taj: "oh mumma, thank you!"

And for the record little guy, you cannot buy the car with no money.... I love how they ask if they can buy the toys!

I felt like the worst mum the other week, and all it took was for Taj to tell me that I was the best mum in the world. I feel a whole lot better, and yes, I am the best mum in the world for my little people.

Say yes for a day. It is fun! And good luck....

Keely's turn will be sometime during the school holidays. I am really looking forward to having some precious time with my girl. She will rock the holidays at home with me, and one day I will say YES for the whole day.

our magical little christmas tree

2011-11-28T19:42:00.004+11:00

Oh Christmas tree, oh christmas tree..... oh here come the jingle bells! There is a part of me that wants to hide in a dark cupboard and cry at the thought of the Christmas season. That part of me is VERY TEENY.

That part of Hayley stood staring at the toys for half an hour, almost vomiting, and wanting to just cry. And ask every other mother strolling up the endless toy aisles, what they were going to buy their little people. That very teeny me bought nothing, and came home with my tail in between my legs. Online shopping rocks. And of course having your own online store is very convenient, and very last minute.

The massive part of Hayley loves this silly season. I love the setting up of the Christmas tree with my little people. This is something I always loved doing with my mum. It was a big thing. We always set it up on the first day in December, and took it down before New Years Eve. Mum had decorations that were from when we were little, and some really cool dodgy ones. I loved the tacky tinsel she had, and the flashing lights. I loved the wreath she hung on the door, and the santa stockings that she bought from the two dollar shop. I loved the full baked Christmas lunch, with a hint of cold seafood. I loved sitting and watching new release movies in between the eating, talking, laughing, and playing with our new toys. I loved watching the cricket with mum on boxing day. I hate cricket. But I loved that time with my mum.

The best part about Christmas is that I get to create all loves for my little people. This year will be a little different, and even though I won't have them the whole day, I will still be able to give them a touch of the Christmas my mum gave me.

Our tree is not real, and it does not have the fun tacky tinsel, or the flashing lights, but it has our things. Our little things. Decorations that the little people have chosen, and a new one is added every year. We may not be having a cooked lunch together this Christmas, but we will be having a special breakfast. We may not watch a new release movie, but we will be walking down to the beach for a morning swim.

Christmas to me is about creating memories, and giving my little people what my mum always gave me; a piece of magic.

There just won't be any magic in the toy aisles for me this Christmas. I am not returning to the mall! But we have artificial snow, and Christmas babushka dolls.

raising them

2011-11-25T21:33:00.006+11:00

You cannot believe everything you hear. People tell lies, and people can stretch a story for it to sound better. I know we all have a good go at making a story sound cooler than what it originally was. Taj is the king at it. Seriously this little guy has the best imagination, and his stories blow me away. Of course his sister is not afraid of telling me that he is fibbing! Is it bad that I just let the little guy go on with his stories?

With all the changes happening around here there are a few stories being told. We all know now that Keely hates me, which actually turned in to just not liking me yesterday, to loving me today. It is nice to know I am moving on up in the world. I have no doubt that there will be more rollercoaster rides with having a little girl. I just didn't realise the "H" word would come out at such a young age.

I know why she is on a ride right now, and why she is putting me on that same ride with her. It is because things are different for her, as they are for all of us. I know it is hard for my little girl, and I see it in her, and the way she tests me. I am firmly standing on my two feet, and I can tell you, it is hard. There are times when I know it would be easier to cave in, but I suck it up, and cop that almost 6 year old tantrum. Oh they are good. Not like a 3 year old tantrum. Trust me the "F" word is a word that goes over and over in my head whilst she pushes every single button on my body! Keely is good at finding buttons I didn't even know I had.

Thank you for all of your support with this change in our little life. It is something I do not really know how to approach. Sometimes I hear things that break my heart, and then there are things I hear, and I want to pull out those rock on fingers. But I suck it all up, and I just do what is coming naturally, and that is to just solely be their mum. I will make mistakes, and I will learn from them, as they will too. And I will have the hope that I will raise two beautiful little people.

I see it in their eyes. I see it in their smiles. I hear it in their giggles...... One day at a time. They are beautiful.

Rock your weekend! We are going to have an ace one.... already baked today. Mum is back rockin' the mother of the year status! {For today anyway, tomorrow is a new day with a whole new bunch of buttons}...

covering up the dating scene

2011-11-24T20:23:00.003+11:00

Strike a pose, there is nothing to it. There is nothing to it when you wear a top as a dress. Ok, so that might be a bit cruel, but come on. Can you call it fashion to wear a dress that tucks just under your bootie? Maybe I am getting too old. Or maybe fashion is for losers. I would personally not call that fashion. And maybe I will cop some slack on this post. But I know the slack will only be from the 20 somethings that have those hot little bodies wearing those tight tops.

I was out on the town last weekend with a girlfriend. When I say out, I mean a couple of wines, a yummy dinner, some perving, and a little boogie on the dance floor. If we make it beyond midnight it is a miracle, and this time we did. Home in bed at 1:30am, and proud. I was the driver, so no hangover. Just tiredness.

Thinking about the whole dating scene and looking around at my competition I was very much overdressed. I obviously needed to have my pins out, and to be showing a bit more of my bootie. I didn't pick up. But I must say, I am more into spending time with my awesome friends, rather than picking up. That knight will come in time. For now I can play Carrie and write a whole book on dating, or not dating!

I sure hope the fashion changes before my daughter reaches her teens. I have a fear that it will get a whole lot worse. No Bratts dolls in this house. We have Barbie dolls with longer dresses, and if they are short, than Barbie rocks tights underneath.

Looks like madonna is coming back into fashion. I wonder when we will start rocking pointy bras as tops? At least Keely's Barbie dolls have the boobs for those bras.

the rock of love

2011-11-23T22:10:00.005+11:00

Can you feel it? I heard Michael Jackson ask me that question. I was running at the time, and my answer to his question was, 'rock on!'

Today was an exceptionally hard day. I was on the rock. The rock bottom rock. That rock that is only temporary. The same rock you can see yourself dancing on, after you have had your rocking in the corner, and you have sucked it up.

I was told by my almost 6 year old that she hates me. That she does not like her dad's new girlfriend, and she does not want to go to his house. She wanted to stay with me, and that was after she told me she hated me. There is a lot of love in that hate. Although it still hurt. And I have no doubt it won't be the last time she says those words to me.

Thank you for the comments on my last post. I am rocking in a few areas of my life, (the good rocking), and I am trying to stand up, and start to dance again.

Tomorrow is a whole new day, and even if it sucks I have no doubt I will learn more. Those bruises on me from the kicking while I am down will fade, and I will get that groove back.

I wish I could write a manual on single parenting, and parenting alone. And do not get me started on the dating thing. That I do not get. I am waiting for that man on the white horse now. All you can do is try in parenting, be myself, and have a whole lot of hope.

What worries me, will master me.

{thanks to my coach, I am going to use that to help me run smarter, and to also stand up and start dancing..... can you feel it}.

*I know I have shared the image above of my little people before, but right now I need it there. They mean more than anything to me. They are the two little people that make up this little family of three.

the naked truth parenting

2011-11-21T20:29:00.005+11:00

What do you do when it becomes too hard. Do you rock in the corner. Cry. Scream. Find the nearest wall, and start bashing your head. Or do you withdraw and hope that this hard part of parenting will pass?

Why do mothers rock in that corner on their own? Wouldn't it be nicer to have a friend or someone that cares pick you up, and help you stand on those two feet.

Easy to say. But when you are that person in the corner rocking, or wanting to walk out that door, you don't speak up.

Why?

Is this judgement of parenting; just because you stand up and say this is hard, you are less the mum that you know you are?

I am not coping. I am exhausted. I have had to have more blood tests. More iron injected into my body. I can't yell anymore. I just cry. I sob. I have an almost 6 year old rubbing my back telling me that it will be ok. And the thing is, it will be ok again.

This is parenting. I believe we should be able to say how proud we are of our children, how we rocked the mother of the year for the day, and then on the other hand be able to say that the day was hard. That right now you are not coping. You are the woman in the corner. You are the woman that can no longer yell, because it takes less energy to cry.

Parenting is hard, rewarding and something I love. There is no way I could walk out that door on my little people, and there is no way I will sit here and cry in the corner on my own, even if it is my almost 6 year old sitting in the corner crying with me.

But the naked truth is, I wanted to walk out the door. I wanted to bash my head against the wall. Instead I cried with my daughter, and wrote this blog post.

the grape

2011-11-17T20:41:00.005+11:00

me: "Taj, can you come here. Quickly, the lady is waiting, and we need to pay for your pear."

taj: "hang on mum!"

I can see him. Clearly see what he is doing. His little hand reaching up as far as he can stretch it, and standing big on those saltwater sandal toes.

me: "Taj, did you just eat that grape?!!".....

Do I really need to answer the question for you. Nice one.

I have done that too. I still do. I used to love the fruit and vegetable markets as a little person, even as a big person. All that free sampling. If the Growers did free sampling Taj would never leave.

I love summer. I love my little people, and the spunk Taj has.

the running drop shot

2011-11-15T20:35:00.010+11:00

My mum was never a runner, she preferred squash. Mum could hit that little black ball with sheer force, and she was the drop shot queen. Or more like the pain in the butt to her fellow players. She had this way about her when it came to sport. Mum rocked at the things she loved doing.

However she would not dream of running. Today she ran with me. For the first time I took her with me.

This might sound random to some of you, and maybe all of you. When my coach told me to take her with me on my runs, I was a little taken back. It made me cry, naturally. Today I needed her.

When I run I play with my mind. Sometimes I am in complete meditation. No thinking. No mind games. Just running. Just me and those legs. When I am not in a runner's meditation I am thinking about life; everything really. Trying to work through my life list.

I now have two lists. One list is the things I can control, and the other list is the things I cannot control. Last night, 20 minutes after pressing publish to my awesome, "hello" day, I broke one of mum's wine glasses. The set of six was no longer. I didn't cry. I just sat in the middle of shattered glass for an hour. If my day had been different I would have been a mess. But instead I sat there.

I sucked it up, and thought about my mum's set of five wine glasses. I had new memories of mum; going to the shops with one glass to try and match the five to make it a set of six. We never could match them. Sometimes the five would turn to four, and mum had a set again. A new set.

There are things I cannot control in life. There are things I need to roll with, and let go of. I cannot control the fact I broke the glass. I cannot control the fact I lost my mum. I cannot blame myself. I could not control the fact she was really sick.

I can control my mind when it comes to running. Today I took mum with me, not all the way. I picked her up along the way. A butterfly flicked above my forehead as I ran down the dirt track, the ocean was in front of me, lizards were at my feet at every turn, {quietly freaking me out}, the bush was on each side of me, and my mum was there keeping my head strong.

I love running. I love my mum. And she will have to learn to love running. She needs to teach me some of those drop shots*.

*I am not too sure what a running drop shot is. I am hoping that my strong mind will teach me!

hello

2011-11-14T20:20:00.000+11:00

Today was amazing. Hello summer. Hello sunshine. Hello happy people everywhere.

There is something about giving someone a bit of sunshine to their day. They instantly become happy. Every little detail in their lives becomes less significant when that sun is shining.

I was shining. My little people were shining. And I hope you were too.

It is still 35 degrees, and it is 8:15pm in Sydney. Love it. No complaints here.

{My day also rocked as I finally posted off some huge paperwork. I don't do paperwork. I don't like it}....

hello sunset. ace day.

eating that pickle

2011-11-13T19:18:00.003+11:00

I am now eating the pickle. I am sucking it up. I am getting rid of the guilt, and eating the pickle. Taj is going to be rocking another day in care.

Thank you for your comments on this hard subject. I have thought about it all weekend, and I realise it is time to give myself more time on the businesses, and build more of a future for my little people. Taj loves kindy. And there is no denying that. He has a lot of friends, and one in particular that he cannot stop talking about, Harley. They rock their days together, and I cannot think of a better little person for my little guy to be hanging out with when he is not with me.

Taj is batman, and Harley is Spiderman.

I am Wonder Woman to Taj, and it does not matter how many days he stands by my side, I will always be that super mum to him.

*Taj managed to rock another day of sleeping on the job. Yes he is wearing a crown in the image above, which fell around his neck.

{There is still some guilt. I have not tried to get him in another day yet, but I will. I can always change my mind.... or better still I can pick him up early for those special times with the mum that does not have to drag him around}.

the working mother has a pickle

2011-11-10T13:44:00.002+11:00

It is all good here. Business is nuts. I am not really having time for anything else. I run, I run my business, and I run after my little people. These legs are going to be a set of machines. Well that is the plan.

I am in a pickle. Do I put my son in another day of care. Will that bring on more guilt? I am entitled to work, and for my business to support my little people. But why does it make me feel like I am letting him down. That time with him is amazing.

I could pick him up early, or drop him off late on the days that are not as busy.

He might just do what he did yesterday, and sleep in the car, sleep on me, sleep on the warehouse floor, sleep with school pickup, and then wake for an afternoon beach swim. That was a lucky day.

Taj rocked Vogue Australia for Little Pinwheel. Strike a pose little guy. They are part of the little pinwheel world. I love that.

I don't love the guilt of another day in care. He does love it. He loves his little friends, and the teachers. And the change in him is amazing since I put him in care at the beginning of the year. I love my little side kick. It does not mean I love him less....

The pickle of a working mother.

learning to skip

2011-11-07T19:50:00.003+11:00

It is all about the dance. Not my dance, but her dance; my little girl's dance. I love seeing her dance.

I love walking with her, holding her hand, and letting her know that everything is going to be all good.

Maybe it is more that I am telling myself this as a new page is turned.

But all that matters is that her feet dance. That she wears that smile, and she never forgets how much I love her. If I can show her that she is completely safe with all of her emotions, and it is ok to be happy in front of me, or even sad in front of me, then I too can dance with her.

Parenting is one of the hardest things I will ever do in my life. It too is the most rewarding; you love like you have never loved. And you are loved like you will ever be loved.

Keely: "dance with me mumma. show me how you skip."

me: "ok!"

we skip holding hands through Manly.

Keely: "mum, look you can skip good!"

me: "yes I can, when you hold my hand."

I worry about my girl. I worry as a mother with another woman coming into her life. I worry as she has not stopped saying to me that I am her mummy. I worry as my son turns to me, and talks about his other mummy. I have no doubt this is all natural, and normal. But for me it is all new. And the only people I care about are my children. I care about their feelings. This is something I cannot control. All I can do is put my hand out, and hold theirs.

I skip good.

the grateful dance

2011-11-03T19:54:00.003+11:00

Tomorrow I am going to dance. Tomorrow I am going to hold my mum's hand. I am going to hold it tighter than ever. Tomorrow I am going to Para Meadows school in Wollongong. Tomorrow I am going to be the most grateful I have ever been in my life. I am going to be grateful for the person I have become, and the person I know my mum hoped I would become. I am going to be grateful for giving more than an air conditioner. I am going to be grateful for the friendship I have made through the kindness of my own heart.

A random act of kindness is meant to be something you do, and expect nothing in return. You do it, and smile, knowing that you have just made someone's life awesome. You do it because you care. You do not do it to receive anything back. The letter from the Principal of the school blew me away. I never expected an email that said I was invited to a special assembly. An assembly the children are doing for me, and for other RAOK's. I never thought buying an air conditioner to help the comfort of the children would help more than the children. This helps their parents know that they will be comfortable at school. It helps them know that they know their children are learning, like every child should have the right to do. It helps them have the time they need to be a better parent for their child when they come home from school. And mostly it helps a *lady that I completely look up to, and her beautiful daughter. It also helped me.

Tomorrow I will be proud knowing that when I lost my mum 5 years ago, I took that part of her, and put it within myself. Tomorrow I will make mum prouder than she has ever been before.

I bought an air conditioner, and changed lives. That rocks.

I hold my mum's hand. I will hold it forever. {I need her more than ever right now}.

* Susan, you are an inspiration, you have made my heart dance more than you will ever know.

** the beautiful image is my girl dancing in my new dress.

the witch of halloween

2011-10-31T21:22:00.002+11:00

This home is the house of frights. Tantrums, not listening, and a mumma that has crossed the boarder. This mum is the witch of the house.

This mum cried tonight. It was too hard to yell. I tried, but the tears rolled instead, and I sobbed. My poor little people, who were high on sugar and completely overtired, instantly stopped. All I felt was little arms around me and Keely saying, "oh my mumma."

It was not a tactic. It was not a ploy to get them into bed. But that is where they tip toed. And fell asleep.

Sometimes you just have to cry; there is no more energy left to yell.

There are times when you feel like you are bashing your head up against a wall with parenting, and your children have turned into little witches. And there are times when you try every trick in the book, and all you have left is the treat. I know there will come a day when that candle in the pumpkin will be blown out, and for now I just have to hope I have more tears, than witch screams.

Before my tears, we had the most amazing evening with friends, and the images are a perfect depiction of this.

Happy Halloween.

{I am actually really happy, but there is something inside of me that is taking away the "rock on" mum, and I cannot seem to get out of this hole. I think they call it loneliness. Or maybe it is just a stage of parenting we all go through; single or not single}?

the woman in the book

2011-10-27T21:57:00.001+11:00

When one turns a page you see more words. You hope for a happy ending. And sometimes when you turn that page it is blank, and all you see is one side with the words, 'chapter,' and a new number.

I turned the page, and I cannot believe I saw the words, 'chapter,' again. The anxiety has risen, and I have had two days of feeling like I need to have some retail therapy. I tried that, didn't feel it, and decided to rock the hairdressers instead. Some women shop, some buy magazines, some hang with girlfriends, some eat way too much chocolate, and I get my hair done. And I walk out with my hair wet. (My choice). I clearly am not following the sad lady at the hairdressers code of conduct..... Oh and I go home, instead of going out, looking awesome, feeling awesome. I wear sweatpants, and my chucks. I turn on Sex and The City.

There are times when you need to turn that page, take a deep breath, and remember that there are things you cannot control. Letting that part go, will take you to more pages covered in words. And some are lucky to find that page with the happy ending.

I bought a reading chair to sit in. I bought this chair to remind me to stop, sit, just be, and to turn those pages in. I am happy to be there and read those words for a long time. I don't want this book to end. I know there will be more chapters, more empty pages, but a life without words, and a book that ends, is not the life I would like to live.

I have started the new chapter of single parenting.

solid gold

2011-10-25T20:16:00.001+11:00

Work with no play is not as much fun. You add a little bit of sunshine, giggles, a few water slides, some awesome friends, a beach, and work rocks.

I took my little girl away with me for a girl's weekend to the Gold Coast. I had a work meeting yesterday and I thought why not be the cool mum, pull her out of school for a couple of days, and spend some fun times with her. I am lucky to have a beautiful friend that lives right near Burleigh Heads, and close to the fun parks. Keely chose to slide it up at Wet and Wild. I of course took over the park with my friend. I know it was about Keely, but come on, put a slide in a girl's face, and I go wild.... I have the burn mark down my spine to prove I had no fear!

Keely loved being just with me.

It was all about her, with a little bit of me.

Beautiful friendships were made.

And friendships grew.

Twenty questions were asked. Keely grew more from my answers. {She is getting big, and I love watching her become more of the daughter I could only dream she would become}.

I am proud. I am lucky. And I sure am blessed.

I love her.

I love walking with her.

And just being within the moment; her moment, our moment.

mother of the year; wearing the badge

2011-10-17T20:05:00.004+11:00

We all strive to be her. We all want to slap that badge on our chests.* Wear it with pride. Wear the big smile, and think we are all that; mother of the year.

Oh yes, she is awesome. I am her. Did you know that I slap that badge on my chest every single day? I yell at my children sometimes. I have to walk away, close the door, and have some crying moments on my own. I say NO a lot. I bribe them with things so I can have my morning coffee, or do the shopping. I put them to bed before 7 every night, and I love it when I hear silence.

Oh yes I am awesome. I am her. I am the mother of the year. Did you know that I slap that badge on my chest every single day? I laugh with my children. I make them laugh. I play with my children. I teach them about life. They teach me about life. I walk with them. They cry, I hold them. I say YES a lot. I love it when I hear little tip toes in the morning. I love the big jump on my body, which quite often hurts. I love the giggles and smiles my little people bring me everyday.

Oh yes, you are awesome. You too are her.

What makes one mother, mother of the year, and another just a mum? I believe we all wear the badge. We are all her. How do I know this? I asked my little people, and this is what they say to me all the time.....

Taj: you are my mummy

Keely: no she is my mummy

Taj: no, my mummy

Keely: no my mummy

Taj: she is both our mummies

Yes, Taj completes the fight over me with a plural, as if I am two mums rolled into one. And I guess I am two mothers wearing the same badge; laughing, and crying.

Congratulations, you are mother of the year..... Ask your little people. Or better still, just look at the way they love you, there you will see the answer; you are her.

*Everyday without fail, I have a mother of the year moment. It can be one way or the other, and I just roll with it. One day I can be the best mum, and the next I can suck. Or even in a moment I can rock it, and the next suck at it. I guess that is parenting. We sometimes have to be mean to be kind. I don't like the mean mummy, but who does? I have a bunch of friends who play the mother of the year badge game. We pass it around, and wear it with pride.

working to dream; dreaming to run

2011-10-16T15:17:00.004+11:00

The career. Do you have one, strive for one, or could not care less for one? Gone the day where you stayed in something for 30 odd years, and retired gracefully knowing that you had grown with a company. Although, I do know a few people that have rocked the ten years. I find that impressive.

For me the career is a dirty word. I think it has too much pressure, and kind of nails you down. Being the creative person, I am forever thinking of new things, or things to make the old things, a little bit new again. I have jumped around a little in what I want out of life. I started with food, quick to get out of it, and hit the retail floor. From there I became a manager, buyer, sales representative, and then dipped my toes in production. Got over it, as I do, and used my creative head to start my own graphic design business. Worked for an immigration law firm, putting their proposals together; making them look pretty, read some books, and scored myself a job with channel nine graphics. Then I jumped back into fashion with my own business, using my creative head to photograph, and design behind the scenes of Little Pinwheel.

So I guess with this you could say I have built a career with my business, using all of my knowledge to make something of Little, and Lady Pinwheel. If a career is something you stay in for years, whilst striving for it, and for you, to be more, then yes I have a career. If it means I am completely tied to what it is today, with no growth, and just being stuck behind a desk, then it isn't a career. (Well, I am rarely at my desk. I am out there thinking, and getting more for my business).

If you put your mind to it, you can do anything. Right?

At the end of this working week, I decided it was time to believe in myself. Time to believe that there is more for me alongside the Little and the Lady Pinwheel, and more for me alongside being a mum to my children. If someone else believes in you, is that enough to start believing in yourself?

I believe that answer is yes. I have already proved that by self studying to be a graphic designer, and working alongside university degree work colleagues. My mum believed in me to be that person. And I became that.

I kind of have big dreams. But I guess we all do to some respect. And dreams do come true (?). You just need to believe in them, and you. That is the hard part, and the mind game I am playing.

This lady has decided to rock the dance floor with her runners. I have a new dream; a running career. Nothing happens unless first we dream*.

*not my fortune, but a fortune seen today, and borrowed. {thank you lovely}! it took away my fear of publishing this post.

to take a bow in acceptance

2011-10-11T20:16:00.005+11:00

When someone pats you on the back, and says well done. Do you slap them a high five, and say, "rock on!" {Well, you might say, "thank you"}. Or do you bow your head, and kind of accept the pat, and quickly change the subject?

How does one accept the fact they are rockin' it in life, without coming across as the crazy happy person, that everyone loves to hate?

Ok, well I am not talking completely about me, this is more in general. I am happy, but I am not always rockin' it in life. I think for someone to rock everyday would be a little random. I think you would be missing out on the normality of life. I actually think I have at least one element of chaos in my day, and a lot of the time that involves me being mother of the year. {Please tell me, you are hearing the sarcasm, as I am far from the top dog of mothers}.

I "have" to have two coffees a day. They have a double shot in each. One coffee for each child. I have requirements to get me through each day, and sometimes, ok let's be honest, most of the time, the requirements don't help at all. But I do manage to suck up all those awesome things that have happened in my day. Things I have made happen, my little people have done, strangers have done, and my ace friends have done, or said. It can be as simple as a stranger smiling at you, or a regular person you see in your routine, that happens to buy you a sneaky coffee, just because you are you.

The small things that are awesome in each day, I take. The pats on the back, I personally don't know how to take. Maybe one day I will, and maybe I won't. I am a person that is hard on myself. I am always pushing for more. I think that this attribute, or bad part of me, will be the thing that will see me succeed in aspects of my life. It may not make me mother of the year, or an athlete that competes in the olympics, but I will try with my two coffees to rock it my way.

I will hold my head up, long enough to say the words, "rock on!" And know this does not make me that crazy happy person you all love to hate.

Now I bow my head, and I look forward to those two coffees in the morning.

happy 3 rocker fingers taj

2011-10-07T19:21:00.001+11:00

There is a big little guy sleeping, who is going to wake up tomorrow all big. No more two rock on fingers to show his age. It is time for the three finger rockstar to show his age.

Happy 3rd birthday to my little big guy. He is full of spunk, in touch with his feminine side with his emotions, and loves his mumma to bits. He is going to rock his life.

No party tomorrow. Just a whole lot of whatever he wants, and in 2 weeks, when I can function again after school holidays, I will throw a little rockers party for my rockstar. Keely has organised all of his pressies, and drawn lots of pictures for her brother.

Enjoy your weekend, ours is going to rock with three rocker fingers.

running saved my life

2011-10-03T20:39:00.003+11:00

I have things growing in my fridge. Yes, I am that awesome person that leaves stuff and things in the fridge, forgets about them, and then freaks out when I see things growing on the stuff. I am that awesome person that leaves it in there, pushes something in front of it, and forgets about the stuff a little bit more. Just long enough for the stuff to have the things, and for me to completely freak, and throw the whole container away.

All things have a used by date. I believe that as we enter new phases, or as I like to say, chapters, in our lives we start to have our own stuff growing on the things.

Confusing you yet?

I have found my whole life has made this complete change. I think it is this freaking awesome feeling of happiness I have, and knowing a little of where I want to go with it. I have dreams, and aspirations, as we all do. I am living some of those dreams, and aspiring to make these dreams a whole lot better.

This blog was my space to let it all out. It was a way I got through different parts of my life. I used written words to help me through my abuse, the loss of my mum, and the loss of my marriage. In the background, through all of this, I was pounding the pavement, and running. I have been a runner for myself from the moment I realised that I was being abused by my father. This was my way of dealing with it, processing it, and punishing myself. I would excessively run. I was also suffering from the eating disorder at the same time. It really was a dark time in my late teenage life. But, it saved my life.

Running saved my life.

I continued to run on and off. When I lost mum, I used the written word to survive. I found the writing was not enough, so the pounding started again. More and more, I would run.

Running saved my life.

Now, with all the changes, with my own personal growth. With the loss of every one of my family members, and gaining a whole lot more family through friends, and of course my little people, I started to run for more. Running became more than a life saver. It became my feeling of freedom. It has become a feeling of flight. I have always wanted to fly. Spread those wings, and fly to freedom.

Now, I fly. No longer are the words saving me. No longer do they need to save me. I run for a whole lot more. I don't need saving. I am free.

I will continue to blog, but the posts might be further apart. The words that I used to type have started to grow stuff and things, and reached their used by date. Time to throw the whole container out. And write a whole new chapter.

I cannot wait to believe in myself a whole lot more. To make something of those legs that are working hard for the next race. This is the beginning for me. At 34 I have found my thing. {My mum used to say to me a lot, it was never too late to be somebody. You just had to believe in yourself..... now I need to believe I can fly when I run}.

Welcome to a whole new chapter of stuff and things. The new growth.

the pinwheel garden of growth

2011-09-30T20:14:00.002+10:00

I am still here! I have just been trying to get back into life. It has kind of changed. It has stepped it up a notch. It is busier, and more and more new people are coming into my life. It is really nice. Fast paced, but nice. The little pinwheel world is taking up a lot of me. It is taking up that much, the lady pinwheel is just being the lady that she currently is. I guess that is what happens to us ladies. Lucky we are patient, and know that good things come to those who wait.

Life is a little hard, and a lot good. There have been huge changes in me. Not so much that I have completely changed. Just enough to accept a whole lot more of myself. Accept that I can take compliments. Accept the fact that I too suck sometimes, and that I cannot change things. I cannot always make the sad face of my daughter turn into a happy face. (Oh how I wish I could truly say how I feel about this, but I have to suck it up, and accept that this is something I have to work on within myself. I just hope that whatever I do will not change the beautiful girl she is. All I can do is hope that I can be half a mum that my mum was to me. If I can do that, then she will be everything I could ever hope for).

I am still running, and loving it. I cannot wait for the next race. For the woman that never wanted to race is aspiring to some big things.

There will be more of my trip soon. I just need to be with my little people, with myself, and my beautiful friends. I need to keep rockin' this little pinwheel world, and growing this Lady.

Enjoy your weekend!

they have been busy

2011-09-26T21:54:00.003+10:00

They have grown.

Taj turns 3 soon. Today Keely and I were organising what we will be doing for the party. We bought the bits and pieces to make the invites together. A great craft project for Keely whilst she is on school holidays.

Taj's party has been pushed back another week, as his best buddy from kindy is away on his birthday weekend. There is no way this little guy can have a little rockstar party without his best buddy. Plus this gives me an extra week.

Fun times ahead!

I got you babe

2011-09-23T20:45:00.005+10:00

Home, fresh off the plane. Surprised Taj first. Completely lost it, and both broke down in tears. Taj could not wipe the smile off his face.

Surprised Keely second. It was like a movie, where the person runs to the other person in slow motion. She was shocked, excited, and in tears.

An early mark for them. An afternoon of just us.

Keely and I had a girl's night. She camped in my bed. Awake at 2am, and cuddling my girl.

Today, back into the swing of things. Spending time with beautiful friends at the beach, and just being together.

I missed them. I am going to have the best weekend. And so are they.

the golden gate bridge rocks

2011-09-20T14:53:00.002+10:00

I am in a beautiful city, and tomorrow I am leaving to come home. There is a part of me that is a little sad, and then there is this huge part of me that cannot wait. I am missing my little people a lot, and it is time to cuddle them, stare at them, and stare at them some more. I actually don't think I will stop cuddling them, or staring at them.

I have taken way too many photos of the Golden Gate bridge, and maybe not enough, as it really is the wow factor of bridges. I rode a bike across it with my ace friend, and it is something I will never forget.

I have ridden that many trains, or what I would more call a tram, cable carts, and driven the truck. I will kind of miss driving on the wrong side of the road, and walking on the other side of the footpath.

Tomorrow I go home, and start a whole new life being the woman that rocked a half marathon! Yes, I am still on a high, and I cannot wait to go home and show my little people my ribbon.

the race; my race.

2011-09-19T08:43:00.006+10:00

This post is written from the words I just wrote in my personal traveling journal. I share because I am proud of what I achieved today.

Today I did huge. I danced 21km, 13.1 miles around Lake Merced, San Francisco. The main focus of my vacation was this day. My first race. My first half marathon with other runners.

I felt ready. All the things that my coach had said to me was playing over and over in my head. I knew I could run. There was no questioning my ability to run. There were nerves. Of course there were. I was in a different country, and running my first race.

I ran for me. I also ran for my mum. This was my race to reflect all that I lost with my mum dying. Five years, and today I believe I made her proud. Prouder than any other achievement. I ran with my children in my heart.

18km into the race I stopped. I stood still for maybe 30 seconds. Out loud I said, "what the f*#k am I doing?" I thought about everyone that means something to me. I put all of them into my last 3km. Before I took off, I said, "suck it up princess Blease!"(Thank you Anita for your ace words. They helped me more than you will ever know).

By this stage my legs were hurting. But when I saw the finishing line, I took all that was in me, and powered those legs. I looked at the time that stood above the finishing line. I knew I was going to beat the time my coach had set me for this course. That in itself made me feel awesome.

To have my best mate at the finishing line was something I will never forget. He came especially to see me, to support me, and to yell out, "Go you Aussie!"

Right now I am asleep. The fatigue is taking over, and the beer is going down a treat. I am still on the biggest high.

I did it.

When it comes down to it, those are the most important words. It does not matter what time you finish, what place you came, what the course was like; what matters is that every person that started, finished.

I did it. And this is just the beginning.

(thank you to my coach.... you rock)!

time to (over) think.

2011-09-17T11:33:00.002+10:00

When one feels down on themselves they catch up with girlfriends. They boost you up, make you feel awesome, and beautiful.

When one travels on their own they go to their local community to feel all of this. Living right near the gay community in San Francisco rocks. You are instantly made to feel awesome and beautiful by the locals. I may not be the hottest chick in town, but I sure am meeting some fun ladies and men. Apparently the locals at the cool cafe I have been going to believe I am going to get myself an awesome man.

I have met a couple of really nice men on my travels, one kissed me, twice, and the other gave me his number, telling me he believed we would meet again. Nice line! The men in America have no fear. Or maybe it is me having no fear. I am talking to people, making friends and letting my protective guard down.

In two sleeps I run my first race. I believe this will be the icing on the cake for me. This is the start of a life full of chasing marathons all over the world, being me with less fear, and showing my children just how much their mum has grown as a person. I knew this trip would be life changing. I just didn't realise how much I would change.

I do have fear of my first race, but I believe no matter how much I have grown, there would still be fear. On Sunday, Australia's Monday, whilst you sleep, I will run for me. I will run holding my mum's hand, and alongside my children. (I miss them).

In Castro, San Francisco, my name is Baby. And nobody puts Baby in the corner.

highway 1, california rocks the wow

2011-09-16T15:02:00.002+10:00

There is nothing like a road trip with an ace friend. And it is even better when you cruise on the open road, winding around mountains on the right, and the ocean on the left. Highway 1 in California is a drive I will never forget, and a drive I will do again.

The images do this road no justice.

Wow.

Awesome.

Oh my, look at that.

Wow.

We were both blown away.

We stopped a few times; to sleep in a cute fishing town, to lay in the sun, to watch the surfers, to capture the wow factor, and to just be.

I miss my beautiful friend. Now it is time to be on my own. Think about life, think about my race, and to be me, just me. I am taking in all of San Francisco, and will share soon! This city is a wow factor.

venice beach on skates

2011-09-15T12:12:00.002+10:00

The blog posts have been few and far between. The experiences have been every single day. Venice Beach was an eyeopener. A great place to take it all in. Sad to witness so many homeless people. People that light up your day. They all have a story to tell. They all have something, if it be written on their face, or if it be something they tell you.

Rollerskates were bought, and I rocked the Venice Beach strip with my beautiful friend, Julie. We stayed in Venice, had a great night out, and had some beach time the next morning before we made our way to the Highway 1.

Julie has flown home today. It won't be the same without her here. A friendship that has grown in the fun times we have had, the experiences we have both had, and the life long memories we have created.

cruising the sunsets

2011-09-10T11:58:00.002+10:00

There is so much I can say. There is a lot I have done in the past few days, and to be honest I am finding it hard to find the words. I am very much into vacation mode, (I even have the american words going on. This is not a holiday, this is a vacation), and I am loving how my whole body and mind has gone into some kind of relaxation state.

I have been to Ocean Beach, near San Diego.

Witnessed the most amazing sunset, that went on.....

and on.

Walked the street. Had the best mexican I have ever had, $2 fish tacos, and $2 beers. A very cool diner brunch the next day.

Then cruised up to Santa Monica to do the shopping part of the trip. Hello Nike. Hello trainers, and running gear. Hello full suitcase.

Rocked Venice Beach. (more images to come of this ace place. That memory card is still in the camera). Met an awesome couple of guys, and a few ace chicks. Unfortunately my phone is not working, so did not get any messages from them. Hopefully they email, or read the blog to know they need to email. It is nice to meet cool people, and we have not stopped meeting the nicest people.

Fitting in like a couple of locals.

We are rockin' highway ONE for the weekend.